I’ve been hard-core working. I started back to work two weeks ago, I’m just working three shifts right now, which sucks, but it’s progress. However, I’ve been working on my writing, and work blogging, which is fun, but not the same as getting to write my thoughts out on here. Ah well. I wrote out nine days of posts for that blog, so that will free up some time for other writing and this blog.

I went in finally and got some aid. I have food stamps ($450!), I got help with my power bill and propane bill which were both really behind. I got my taxes filed which should be in soon. The new car is running ok, although I need to have a couple of things done still. I had a story accepted for publication! House is still a mess, but the dishwasher is lovely. Been getting a shitload of snow, but it is February. Been doing physical therapy on top of the chyro and massage therapy, and it is helping. Mood’s been fluxuating, but hanging in there. Working on getting summer camp stuff in place for Little, Girl Scout cookies been dealt with. Collecting information on publicity.

Damn it is snowing. Just looked at the weather and we have an arctic front coming through so the temperature is plunging. Bah.

Oy vey

I’ve got one sister on the phone talking about her realization that she is hooked on pills, and another on IM talking about some problems she has. I’m sore all over, and I have to do laundry and write a post for my work blog.† Little has got a bunch of stuff I need to have her do, and more PT tomorrow.


So the lawyer got that taken care of

and I have a check coming for 1400 for my car. He said I have to have the rental back by Monday, so I said ok. Went and talked to the guy I got my last car from, and he has one I’m going to get. Only problem? It’s the weekend. Three-day weekend. I get the check tomorrow, can’t deposit it, can’t go to the DMV to get the plates, anything.

*buries face in arms*

Is it ever going to fucking just go??

So I got home today, and there’s a message on my machine:

“Hi, this is so-and-so from that car rental place, and I was wondering if you had a date to bring the car back. Your car was marked total loss and you are paying for the car out of your pocket.”

Haven’t heard a damn thing so far. From the adjuster or my lawyer. Pissed as hell, hate people, calling and emailing lawyer.


I have too many siblings to keep clear here

but I’ll try.

So lil’sis, the one with two younger full sisters, calls me today. Her middle sister apparently has told her mother, and another person, that unlike everyone else, she wants to know the asshole as an individual, or words to that effect, possibly wanting to contacting him. Lil’sis was apeshit over this, didn’t understand it, wasn’t sure what to do about it.

I told her that, as much as it sucks, it is perfectly normal. This middle sis has no memory of asshole, he is just the “boogyman” that everyone talks about, not really a person. Lil’sis admitted that to her, he really is more of a formless boogyman, she has very little memory of him (she was 6 for heaven’s sake when we left), and so I told her that to the middle sis, he is just this formless figure she doesn’t connect really to anything. Plus, their mother sucks ass, and so she likely wants that missing parent figure, and since she doesn’t know asshole, it is hard to really believe it is better. It’s normal among abused kids to still want their parents, even for kids of single parents for them to want the parent they never met. (Something I worried about with Little, but that ended up working out ok *whew*)

Then I told her that I went through this with both of my brothers after we left, particularly middle bro, who really didn’t have a clear picture of what was going on anyway because he idolized the asshole so much. He said that he didn’t see most of what went on and so he didn’t feel the same was about him, and for a while wanted to contact him. That really hurt then, although I understood,† but to him it was like asshole was two separate people – the dad he idolized and the monster that he really was. Hell, he still has issues with seeing both sides of out mother. Little bro not so much, but he talked about going to see asshole too at one point.

So I told Lil’sis all this, and that it was normal, no matter how much it sucked, and that as she’s the kind of person who a. likes to create attention to herself, and b. will do what she’s told not to, the best thing to do would be to just ignore it and let it pass over as a phase and hopefully she’ll drop it as she is in a transitory phase. I do however shudder to think of what would happen if she did try to contact him, (he’d manipulate her so fast she wouldn’t know what hit her), and so I told her that if middle sis did contact him to tell me, and I’d try to verbally smack some sense into her. I think of everyone, I might be the only one who could, because to me he isn’t a faceless boogyman. He is a clear individual, I remember how he acts, talks, what things he did. Hell, I look like him somewhat and have some of his body moments, enough to the point that my mother once told me it was hard to look at and talk to me sometimes because of how much I reminded her of him. Yeah, I love you bitch, NOT!

Anyway, if she wants a picture of him as an individual, I can sure give that to her. I can give her a super clear picture of him as an individual burned into her brain. She may choose not to listen, but if she’s really going to contact him I’ll do my damndest.

And I am a helpful older sister to the other two girls who live elsewhere – bigsistering by phone, email and IM. *sigh*

3 down, 3 to go

Got the MRI today, wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, although the last set she did I was getting close to starting to spaz. I held really still though, and closed my eyes and deep breathed and all that. Took 45 minutes. Not sure how I’d to if I had to have a really long – like hours – one though.

Went by the human services office today, applied for food stamps. I also am going to see if I can get help with next month’s rent (until income taxes come in) and help with propane – that is a big one right now *sigh* This will be the third time in my life that I will have been on public assistance. Once was my family right after we left asshole, and the other was when I was homeless and pregnant. I’m not ashamed of it, and I use it like it is supposed to be used, but it is still frustrating. Ah well.

Speaking of asshole, so every year I have to write a letter about why he shouldn’t be paroled. The year before last he was going to go up for his parole hearing but waved at the last minute. I talked to the lady at the office about it and (quoting from that last post I linked to. ) “She mentioned that his reasoning didnít make sense to her. ” So I started thinking about it and:

“He was always like that, justifying things to himself and everyone else. And if for some reason he didnít want to go to the hearing, he would come up with some reason to justify it to himself and everyone else. And if it didnít make sense to other people that means that he was trying to justify something to himself.

So I asked a few other questions (No, they canít tell me how he is doing in jail.) But then I asked about sexual offender counseling, because back in the early 90ís that wasnít really talked about. I was wondering if heíd probably not have to do it since the judge hadnít ordered it. She said that the Parole board can order it as a condition of release, and probably had. (Iím guessing that must be pretty standard now).

So then I got to thinking, he couldnít complete sexual rehabilitation if he tried. He might (although it would be very hard on his pride) try, thinking that he could pull the wool over their eyes like he always tried to do with everyone, but he would never be able to do it – heíd not be able to really admit he did it, that he did something wrong, etc. His personality wouldnít allow him. And the idea did occur to me – what if that is why he waved his hearing?”

So then last year, (apparently I was bad and didn’t blog about it, I thought I did for sure though, but anyway), he waved his hearing before they even scheduled it. I called to find out what was going on, and the woman working there (different one this time) was happy to help me out and we talked for a while. It was a actually a blow though, because I found out his reason for waving the hearing :Not Guilty.

Actually, that might have been why I didn’t blog about it when it happened, that was kind of a double blow. Not only did he not admit it at the trial, but he is still telling everyone that he didn’t do it, and therefore going to the parole board hearing isn’t even worth it, because he is Not Guilty.

So this year, again, I get a letter saying that he waved the hearing. Called up the lady, again he is Not Guilty.

A little sad and sick this year, but nothing like last. Talked a little numbers with her, if he keeps passing on his hearings he’ll “complete” this sentence in 2011. Then 5 years before he comes up for parole on the second sentence. So, if in 2016 he wants he can start going to parole hearings again. I think he’ll probably keep waving hearings until 2011, in 2016 who knows what he’ll do. If he doesn’t get paroled early, he’ll be out around 2025.

I bet he will wave the next two years, but even so, we are coming up on a 5 year period when I don’t have to worry about him getting paroled.

As I said in the second post I linked to, this is the letter I’d like to send:

Dear Parole Board –

Pass on the message to Asshole that his natural death can happen at any time now. Barring that, just lock him up and throw away the key. Donít bother with any parole hearings, society is better off without him.

Sincerely, Me.


I’m going crazy, I swear! This week I have so many apts, but I did get the kitchen and my room cleaned, some major work on my work blog done, and revision on a short story. *pant pant* It helps that right now I am on “Therapeutic dosage” of Ibuprofen, 800mg 3xday. I am being careful though to not overdo it though, or I will feel it.

I also did some cleanup on my desktop – that poor thing was so due for a checkup. I virus checked, spy checked, uninstalled a bunch of programs, de-fragged like 4 times, disk cleanup, ect. It’s better now, but it is getting old. *sigh*

So this Blog is four FIVE years old now! *wheeeet!* This year I didn’t post nearly like I used to, but I hope to keep up with her better this year.

Onyx Dreams